I'm a hopeless romantic.
I don't care if i'm old fashioned, or not "with it" in terms of the random hook ups or no strings attached romance that most teens seem to engage in.
I want feelings, i want emotions, i want meaning.

You were always a priority. Was I only ever an option?

My current playlist is as follows. Some have remained in this "atm" playlist for a month or so now, while some are newbies. But I have been listening to this playlist heaps lately, so felt like sharing.
In no particular order:

Panic switch - Silversun pickups
Hell - tegan & sara
Heartbreak scorsese - snob scrilla
Empire state of mind - jay-z
Thunder (acoustic) - boys like girls
Fader - the temper trap
Teleport a & b - the spill canvas
Free fallin' - john mayer
To build a home - the cinematic orchestra
Stay with me - the sundance kids
Assurance closure - artist vs poet
Enough to let me go - switchfoot
She drives me crazy - fine young cannibals
So in love - the icarus account *fav of the day
Time after time - quietdrive
Homecoming - kanye west
No ones gonna love you - band of horses
I'm in miami bitch - LMFAO
Substitution - Silversun pickups
On top of the world - boys like girls

something always manages to be complicated.
Just when you think you've got it all figured out, everything under control, another slap to the face occurs. carrying with it all the reminders that make you stumble backwards and fall to the ground.
And do the other parties even share in common a tenth of the feeling and emotion that you experience? Or is it nothing to them...

I like how Mel and Josh beep every time they drive past my house, whether i'm home or not.
I like when people don't let me down and don't leave me feeling foolishly disappointed.
I like expanding my music collection.
I like hanging out with people that i can have comfortable silences with.
I like how the spare toothbrush at Jack's house has become my toothbrush.
I like becoming close to people and making new friends.
I like my phone and when people text me.
I think i like the internet too much.

I knew it was going to be a restless night of sleep last night after i couldn't get comfortable straight away. Tossing and turning for more than double the amount of time that it usually takes to fall asleep.
Waking at 4:30am just to check the time and then force myself back to sleep. And then again at 7:40am.
And then being woken from a bad dream by my alarm, which left me with this weird, unsettled feeling in my stomach.
Stumbling blindly into the shower, feeling so tired that i end up wasting 5-10 minutes just sitting down. And lastly, leaving the shower 20 minutes later, yawning and battling to pry open my eyelids so that i can dress myself, only to put my shirt on backwards.
Good morning friday.

waiting.
for a person, for an event, for a time...
it seems as though that is all we ever do.

yellow book

today i got out my yellow book and wrote and wrote and wrote, until i became too lazy to write out my thoughts and hastily ended the entry, which always happens. i started the diary a few weeks ago when i was finding it really difficult to get out of my depressive hole of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like i wasn't good enough. when a guy cuts off a relationship with you, leaving you feeling like you're not good enough, it really is hard to convince yourself that you are, and to move forward with a positive frame of mind. i suppose it depends on how much the person meant to you, but if you were committed to them and didn't see it coming, then it is really hard. hard to not wonder what they are doing, whether they're thinking about you at all, and exactly what it is that they may be thinking. whether they're contemplating the fact that they may have made a mistake letting you go and whether they're going to come back to you. and we torture ourself with all these possibilities, and give ourself all this false hope, only with the probable chance that they in fact won't come back, and they aren't thinking about us. friends croon "just forget about him" and "he is an idiot" and "there are plenty more fish in the sea", but you can't just snap your fingers and suddenly forget about a person you cared for and loved for months, even when you know you should move on.
but finally, i have moved on. i've have unexpectedly bumped in to a new boy. a boy that is pretty and makes me laugh and puts in that little bit of effort to make me feel special, and it's pulled me straight out of the hole and helped me to fill it.
today's entry in my yellow book was all about this boy and how happy he makes me, instead of the entries about days that didn't last without tears

this photo makes me smile. for more than one reason. but mainly because these people are amazing. when you see people every week day for around six hours, they basically become like family. this is the family photo from my school life. and sure, there are things about school that i won't miss. like sweating it out in classrooms in the middle of summer, and sitting out in the playground on the cold, rainy winter days. but these things that i won't miss are definitely outweighed by things that i will miss. there are so many personal memories from school that i will never forget. just from laying in the sun with tal and jack, listening to our ipods in our "study periods" to back in year nine when my dewar threw a table in anger that was inches from smacking me in the head. the main thing that i won't forget is the lessons learnt. and i'm not only talking about maths and english lessons, but the life lessons learnt. we spent our six years between the ages of 12 and 18 growing and learning at school, and it has been pretty influential in my opinion. pretty sad that it's come to it's end. i'll miss school.

it has been a fun and innocent weekend, but has also been the shovel that has helped to dig me out of a silly hole that i've been sitting in, and i am feeling the happiest i've felt in what seems like ages. i feel incredible.
thank you, and you, and you, and especially you.
i will miss this weekend incredibly.

today i had a bitch about why english is annoying in year 11 and 12.
then i found out that he was a writer, and was writing a novel.
then i continued to eat my mcdonalds.

Yeah most of my blogs are about relationships and love

I came across a blog yesterday that really caught me up. I got lost in the post, was entranced even. It was as if my thoughts had been perfectly written, right there before my eyes. I relate 100% to this post and i won't even bother to explain my feelings in my own words, in my own post, because i don't think it would be as good.

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No… don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away.— Captain Corelli’s Mandolin"
- http://rose-achailinmochroi.blogspot.com/

" A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love; listens, but doesn't believe; and leaves before she is left."
- marilyn monroe

Give me your heart , make it real
Or else forget about it

I've come to the conclusion that i won't wait around for you forever boy.
I really just can't do this to myself anymore - especially now when my major focus should be the HSC.
If you don't want me, then i have to stop wanting you, because it isn't getting me anywhere.
I haven't really accepted it until now, i've always known that i should just move on, but now i really think that i have to make myself, and i will. What else is there for me to do?

I can't believe I'm finally here, awaiting my first HSC exam. It feels like only yesterday that I was at the beginning of year 11, talking about how scary the thought of leaving school was.
The next two weeks are going to involve cramming as much information as possible into my brain and probably a lot of chocolate Haha.
Good luck everyone in year 12, I feel your stress!

I'm very emotionally unstable.
I'll finally feel okay, strong, stable and under control for a little while, and then just when i almost forget my worries, another brick will be thrown and will remind me, and then i'm stopped again... unable to move forward. Stuck will all these questions, uncertainty, and feelings of foolishness.
I'm sick of being thrown around by you, but for some reason i care for you too much that i continue to stick around and spill the tears with a hope that you do care for me the way that i care for you.
The thought of you not caring may hurt more than this is hurting now - I don't know.

A less depressive note:
'Your guardian angel - the red jumpsuit apparatus' is a song that i always randomly come across on my ipod or the computer and realise how much i appreciate it. I think it might be my favourite song.

Why can't everything just be simple and perfect?
Why does something have to happen to keep my emotions on this roller coaster?
I just want to get off, i've had enough!

Oh, and also, i'm so disappointed with the fact that love stories in movies are so amazing, leaving us disappointed when boys aren't as amazing without it being acted. Do amazing love stories actually exist? And should we get our hopes up or not?

love means so much

i feel absolutely amazing right now. These feelings really are indescribable. Especially after experiencing what has seemed like such a low, this high is incredible.
Special thank you to Tayla - you are absolutely amazing! I definitely think that i would be in a different (worse) state of mind without you.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

i miss these nights and the 30 or so videos we made haha

Thinking about this happening before it did, i considered how i'd react, and i didn't like it.
And now that it has happened, it's even harder to deal with than i imagined.
I didn't realise i would cry this much.
I didn't realise that every time i would go out i would scan every face in the hope that it was you.
I didn't realise that i'd wake up crying after dreaming about you.
I didn't realise that i wouldn't be able to 100% enjoy myself anywhere that i go because in the back of my mind i'd always think about how much i miss you, and us.
Any death is horrible. This death is not a physical passing. But still a death.
An end of the relationship... and the longing hurts all the time.
If you only knew.
If you only cared.

Nearly every song i have heard in the past few days has had something to do with love.
When we badly want something it can never be found, and then as soon as we want something to disappear there's a constant reminder of it.
Also sucks how we take everything for granted

How would you like to pay?

"Cash?... Eftpos?"
"Naaaah, cheque"

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO PAY BY CHEQUE AT COLES!?
WHYYYYYY!
IT IS NOT AT ALL CONVENIENT FOR YOU OR THE OPERATOR AND JUST MAKES EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION VERY PISSED OFF WITH THE STUPID LENGTHY PROCESS.
AHHHHHHH


- End of rant -

People (usually 50+) that shake their head at me really drive me up the wall.
C'mon, did you honestly NEVER have a laugh when you were a teenager or what?
Just lighten up!

love

I'm deeply into someone when instead of crying out of anger, frustration and hate when i fight with them, i cry out of fear of losing them.

2006

Was such a great day...

Charlotte's Pass with the Beavis'

Saturday, Sunday and Monday jam-packed with skiing!
I'm so, so excited! Like more excited than turning 18.
So pretty excited haha.
Byeeeeeeeeee

Throwing up is one of the worst feelings

So i'm sorry that i haven't been blogging lately, it's because i've been feeling (physically) like absolute shit. I've had hardly any energy, so have basically been sleeping as much as i can, and when i am awake i'm usually in bed listening to my ipod and playing tetris on my phone until i get tired again. I haven't had much of an apetite which is very unusual for me, haha.
So anyway, here's a recap of my last 48 hours or so...
Wednesday: Woke up with a bit of a sore throat. Had a long shower. Made myself a hot milo and had four or five sips and then gave up on it. Had some neurofen and panadol and sat around the house until the pain finally started to ease. Got hungry so had vegemite on toast with a glass of lemonade. The siblings came home from school and mum came home from a day out at her friend's place and i told her that i think i have toncilitis. Went to the doctor and the doctor said that i do have toncilitis. Got a script and then antibiotics from the chemist. Mum tried to cheer me up by offering to make chicken burgers for dinner which is one of my favourite meals. This excited me.
When the chicken burgers were ready i was so happy and so hungry. They tasted so, so amazing! I ate a giant chicken burger, which is the usual amount that i would eat, but given the situation, it was huge considering that this one meal was probably close to the same amount of food that i've eaten combined for the last 3 or 4 days or so. After dinner i took my first dose of antibiotics and it was gross. The pill i had to swallow was huge! Like, i got mum to cut the pill in half for me, and each of the halves were probably the size of a neurofen plus, was horrible.
About two hours later i threw up, dinner and all. Was really, really horrible, and it was chicken burgers, one of my favs! :(
Made myself spaghetti on toast once my stomach settled as i now was hungry again and then took some neurofen before heading to bed for the night.
Woke up this morning with the worst throat. It was like sandpaper and almost made me cry with each attempt at swallowing my own saliva. I battled with myself to try and fall back to sleep, but failed, and ended up hauling myself out of bed to the kitchen to take some neurofen to hopefully ease the agony.
I poured myself a glass of water from the tap and took a sip. It simultaneously hurt and felt good on my throat. I popped a neurofen and swallowed it down with water. About ten seconds later i felt my stomach turn... and before i knew it, i was throwing up. There wasn't really much to throw up, just slimy, mucus-looking, yuck stuff. It was very acidic and hurt like hell. So i cried for a bit and eventually ended up eating a piece of toast with vegemite and drinking a glass of lemonade before forcing myself to take my antibiotics. Thankfully my body kept them down.
So there we have it, my reason behind the lack of blogging, although i suppose it is the fuel to my blog for today.
Er whatever it is, i'm too drugged up to comprehend it.
I hope you're having a better time than i am recently :)
OMGZ BYEEE LUV YA MWA

contagious

For the sake of it

Today Martin came 'round for a bit of the afternoon. He was in a fantastic mood, which has put me in a fantastic mood too.
Tonight i will go to soccer and puff myself out in the freezing cold. Chances are that it'll rain as well and end up being super, super cold. Bet ya it will.
I'm excited for the weekend to just hang out and relax and forget school (even though it will only be for a few days haha).
I'm totally, totally loving "Dismantle. Repair - Anberlin" Omg i am loving it...
OK BYE

This week's playlist

1. The Girl and the Robot - Royksopp ft. Robyn
2. The Bold and the Beautiful - the Drugs
3. Booty Music - Deep Side ft. T-Pain
4. Raindrops - Basement Jaxx
5. High of 75 - Relient K
6. Dismantle. Repair - Anberlin
7. Can't Tell Me Nothing - Kanye West
8. Broken - Life House
9. A day late - Anberlin
10. Why Can't This Be Love - Van Halen

It just occurred to me how easily irritated my family can make me. Small, tedious things make me so so agitated sometimes. One example is the sound that is made when teeth hit a spoon. EVERYONE in my family (so five other people), bar me, sound like they "bite" the spoon when the eat their cereal, and i can't stand the sound of it. As soon as i hear it happen once i wait for the next scoopful of cereal to enter their mouth, and without fail, they will allow their teeth to hit the spoon. It is not even a big deal but it annoys me so, so much.
Another silly thing that gets me going is when my mother eats particular foods. She will come up into the study with a few snacks, right where the desktop computer is, and get comfortable on the spare bed that we have in here, and turn the tv on. Note: I don't even notice these doings as i'm happily minding my own business, lurking the wonderful world of the internet, not disturbing anyone else in my household. So all of a sudden i'll hear this slow crunch of an apple. Okay. This could possibly have developed since the day that i decided that i hate apples, but that's another story for another day i suppose... ANYWAY, so this slow, horrible, crunching sound that sounds so loud that even itunes wouldn't defeat it, continues, and continues and continues. I try to ignore it, but i can't take it for too long, and the apple sounds like it must be the biggest apple in existance. So i turn around in my wheelie chair and have a look at the progress my mother has made in devouring the green apple. SHE IS ONLY HALF WAY. So i say, "Omg mum! That sounds so annoying, can't you just eat it quicker or something, it sounds so stupid! Crunch, crunch, crunch!" And she just laughs at me and continues eating, which only frustrates me more.
By the way, i am aware how ridiculious this sounds, but my family sure know how to shit me. It's possibly because there a so many of us in the house that there's basically no way to escape. I mean really, the house is only quiet between the hours of about 1am and 7am. So that's my sweet, sweet escape period. Ily sleep.

Friday, 7th October 2009

- I woke up to news that i'm probably going to the snow with my boyfriend and his family at the start of September which makes me feel incredibly excited. I looove the snow. Thanks dad :)
- My lovely mentor and I hung out for all of period two having great chats about life, relationships and boys. Thanks Mrs. H :)
- Went on an adventure to Wangi Wangi for the afternoon to hang with Maybury. Enjoyed a fantastic combination of ripsticking, eating McDonalds, a few rounds of guitar hero and then chatting throughout an entire movie. So much fun that i ended up staying until nearly midnight. Thanks Tay :)

What a fantastic day.

Beauty

Support

We all need some sort of support to help keep us upright.
And the past few days have made me realise how much i love and appreciate particular people for their support.
Ily, ily, ily. I am very grateful!
:)

...

I miss you, so much!
The past three days my mind has been unable to think about anything else.
I guess we really only do realise how much we love/want something when there's a possibility that we won't be able to have it.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

It really came to the surface for me today that i desire depth in people. I enjoy complexity and how it makes someone unique.
People that are too indifferent bore and disappoint me, and i don't understand how they can show little to no interest in opinions or events that i would definitely show some form of interest in.

I've also realised how much i want to be wanted. If i'm not given affection (of some form) in a given time i tend to feel somewhat neglected and unhappy. I suppose this goes hand in hand with indifferent people. If they appear uninterested in me i feel reluctant to show them affection.

Argh right now i'm not too content. At all.
Just love me, and care about the little special things that i care about.
You are too indifferent. :(

.ju bm l.ed

Sometimes i get so caught up in the way people act/react in particular situations while moulding my opinion of them that i become unable to differentiate between whether people are acting how they would act regardless of the variables, or whether they are trying to act/react how they perceive that i would like them to.
This is something that i think everyone subconciously does day in day out, myself included. We act the way that we think we should, we follow social norms, possibly act to impress...etcetera
The problem with this is that it gives false impressions of who we are. Sure it may make you well liked for a period of time by a particular person, but in the long run, i think we end up at square one. Back to our normal self. The normal actions and reactions that we would undertake regardless of the variable, simply because a false act is too hard to maintain. And we end up disappointing others, followed by ourselves. Yet we put ourselves through it all the time.


I'm sorry for the jumbled thoughs, they came out of nowhere.

Typical Tamara Campbell,

"and i'm in love with how you feel"

spontaneous emotion

my boyfriend really has me wrapped around his little finger as of late, and i'm loving every moment of it. I don't think he even realises how much he occupies my mind when i'm not with him, and how much i love being with him.
The feelings that i'm feeling currently make me so happy that any possible negative situations or outcomes seem well worth the risk. In saying that though, i never want these feelings to go. I don't want him going anywhere any time soon.
MY BOYFRIEND REALLY IS AMAZING! I'M SORRY THAT HE IS THE ONLY MAIN TOPIC ON MY MIND AT THE MOMENT.

i want you, today, and after that

Nearly everything reminds of you somehow. And as soon as i remember something you've done or said it makes me happy and excited and i instantly feel the urge to retell the situation to whoever is with me, thinking that it may make them as happy as it makes me. I want you, all the time. Sometimes you make me angry. Upset. But then, before i even have time to be mad at you, you flash me one of your amazing smiles, or take me by surprise by saying something that i find even cuter than the last amazingly cute thing that made me feel that funny feeling in my stomach. You have me so consumed in you, more than you probably think. And when you talk about not wanting to lose me, i smile, thinking of how i fear losing you any time soon.

yeh brotha

i lyk house sittin'
it is siq

ignorance truely is bliss

the amount of times that i want to explore someone's mind, to know more and more about them. even a single opinion, a single detail of them, only to be disappointed, wishing that i didn't know any better and was back in my previous state of bliss.
the vicious cycle is tiring me.

RE:

I can't believe the obesession my mind has been occupied with lately.
Finding a friend that is almost exactly like me. Sure, i have my friends, and i have my best friends (who are all amazing), but i honestly long for a friend that is insanely alike to me. Not necessarily physically, but just with similar views/morals/thoughts etcetera. The possibility of having someone that i can say anything to, and be certain that i won't be judged, won't feel a tinge of embarrassment, and feel as comfortable with them, as i do with myself is very appealing to me.
I want this friendship. Come and find me.

Tues 23 June

I'm worried about trial hsc exams :S
I don't want to disappoint myself, or you.

fear

I hope I don't get let down. Moreso, I hope I don't get disappointed I guess. Romance. It's probably my favourite thing. But at the same time, it's the worst. The thrill of a new love interest, every moment that you wish would last longer than you know it will, the first kiss, the comfort of just having that person there, to go to, someone to be close to. But then there's the probable chance that at the end of it there will be a break up, and it will hurt. That's the worst. every thread of emotional attachment snapping in your face. Feeling as though you are now as far away from the person that was closest to you not too long ago. That is what I fear. And when I reluctantly, and as carefully as I can choose to develop a new relationship with someone, I hope it lasts, so that I can be happier for longer, and maybe not face the end. Although the longer it is successful, I suppose the worse the break up will be.

*

Realising that you've had a realisation is my favourite game

distractions

so many distractions in my life. everything is speeding through my mind, like a tape would on fast forward. and i need silence to be able to organise my thoughts, to write properly.

future

the previous two years have consisted of teachers drilling into our brains that it's a pretty fantastic idea to decide our future occupation, and for all of that time i have basically ignored their advice, as no occupations seemed to jump out at me or interest me the slightest. i didn't really feel like it was urgent to choose either, but now, everyday, time seems to be slipping away from me,  quicker than i can even acknowledge, and the hsc is dawning upon me, stressing me out and making me wonder what the hell i'm going to do with myself once it is over...

i noticed today when i was driving, that everywhere i look, i see an image i want to capture. my mind automatically starts to imagine how the picture will turn out, and how i will retake the photo adjusting the angle, and the brightness. this small realisation made it occur to me, even though deep down i have always known it, that i would really love to become a photographer. 

though somewhere within my concious self, there is something pulling me away from the idea, making me think it is silly.

sunday 3rd may, 2009

i am so, so happy right now.

Oh such a touchy topic

"When one person is dillusioned, it is known as insanity.

When a group of people are dillusioned, it is know as a religion."

3

saturday, the 18th of April 2009, 1:31pm.

i should be at work right now, slaving away at the checkout, almost falling asleep at how repetitive and relatively brainless my work has become after the good three and a half years of it. but i'm not, because i'm feeling absolutely horrible. i seriously don't think i've felt this sore of a throat in my life. my immune system shits me. i hardly ever get sick, like ever. for months and months i will be of perfect health. but then if i do get sick, it's always a good smack in the head, and put's me out of action for a solid few days. great, can't wait for the next few days of bed..

i want company. someone to just come sit in silence with me.

2

"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw on it all the paint that you can."

1

We sit here, typing up the perfect black letters. Regardless of the account username, the password you choose, the age you indicate, or any of the other relatively worthless variables, we are all given a white box. Ready for our ideas to be comprehended into words. 

We have the ability to spend as long as we desire to manipulate our wording, to change the structure of each paragraph, of each sentence, of each word. Each decision we make, every individual letter that we specifically choose is representing our impulses of thoughts.

And how frustrating it is to me, that no matter how much time i spend trying to translate my thoughts, i never quite seem to have the ability to translate them perfectly. And i probably never will.

eh

Nothing controversial is playing on my mind at the moment, which is unusual really. So i'm not going to rant right now, i'll wait for something that i'll be able to talk about for more than three lines.