today i got out my yellow book and wrote and wrote and wrote, until i became too lazy to write out my thoughts and hastily ended the entry, which always happens. i started the diary a few weeks ago when i was finding it really difficult to get out of my depressive hole of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like i wasn't good enough. when a guy cuts off a relationship with you, leaving you feeling like you're not good enough, it really is hard to convince yourself that you are, and to move forward with a positive frame of mind. i suppose it depends on how much the person meant to you, but if you were committed to them and didn't see it coming, then it is really hard. hard to not wonder what they are doing, whether they're thinking about you at all, and exactly what it is that they may be thinking. whether they're contemplating the fact that they may have made a mistake letting you go and whether they're going to come back to you. and we torture ourself with all these possibilities, and give ourself all this false hope, only with the probable chance that they in fact won't come back, and they aren't thinking about us. friends croon "just forget about him" and "he is an idiot" and "there are plenty more fish in the sea", but you can't just snap your fingers and suddenly forget about a person you cared for and loved for months, even when you know you should move on.
but finally, i have moved on. i've have unexpectedly bumped in to a new boy. a boy that is pretty and makes me laugh and puts in that little bit of effort to make me feel special, and it's pulled me straight out of the hole and helped me to fill it.
today's entry in my yellow book was all about this boy and how happy he makes me, instead of the entries about days that didn't last without tears