Monday, March 15, 2010

Tonight at work, it was really quiet which allowed me to have plenty of 'me' time. Thinking time.
I realised how quickly things have moved forward and how easily i have fallen. After a six month relationship hastily and unexpectedly ended with my ex boyfriend last october i felt shocked, betrayed and hurt enough to withdraw myself more than i ever had. I had honestly never felt more distraught and upset. And although i knew that things were always relatively worse somewhere else, i couldn't help but feel completely miserable and worthless. My HSC was also smack bang two weeks after he left me and although i'm not trying to make any excuses for my disappointing mark, the event definitely impacted on my performance. It was the worst feeling i had ever experienced and only really started to slowly wear off in January. And in those 3-4 months of crying regularly, feeling like i couldn't escape reminders of him, and just generally feeling miserable, i promised myself, even though part of it was a natural reaction to me, to hold myself back in future. To not tirelessly search for 'love' anymore and to not give myself away so easily. Basically to become guarded.
I was too aware of the potential for hurt and i didn't want to put myself in that situation again. I did not seek out anyone romatically. In fact, i didn't even think romantically much anymore, which was completely foreign of me since i'm usually deep down a hopeless romantic. I just didn't seek romance. One bad experience for me and i'd ran from it crying and threatening never to go back.
And then towards the end of January Huw entered my life. Since then he has showed me how to be open. How to let people in. How to risk giving your all in the hope that it will be nurtured and loved... the greatest return. And for almost two months i made myself stand back, push away, and keep my doors closed, because i wanted to remain safe. But it was hurting development. And as i learned to love again i learnt to risk again. Because i know that the risk for the ultimate reward is worth it again. And in what feels like as little as a week or simply a day, i transformed from holding back and keeping reserved to giving my all. I can't look at Huw without holding back a smile. He makes me feel more amazing than anyone else can.And i know that i want this. I want Huw. I now know that i will give him my all. Because that's what you do when you want something or someone badly enough. When your mind is set.

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